Love Letter to the Cutters

When people give advice about this "dirty, attention whore" thing, the last thing I like to hear is "don't do it." I believe this as well, so I'm not sure why it offends me as much as it does.

After my experience earlier this year, many, many close and not-so-close friends of mine came to me with their own self harm problems, thinking that because I dealt with my own ordeal, I could deal with theirs as well.

Of course I would never refuse them, but I just can't help them either, which I feel, as a best friend, is expected of me. I love them so dearly, but truthfully, don't like being the only one in the crowd who knows what those scabs and burns are really about. I don't like knowing that the people I love are in the kind of pain I was in and that I can't do anything. It makes me feel isolated, and I wish I could remind them of some things without seeming uncaring or overly knowing.

My main, but not only, offense was my forearms, sort of the most commonly known place, and the location many of my friends have chosen. What I wish I could tell them, what I wish I could have thought of is that:

These viewable, permanent markings we have given ourselves can be seen by everyone. EVERYONE. They will exist during every job and college interview. Every hand we hold and every body we lie with will have to deal with them. The arm I extend at my wedding will be marked with white scars, and as I teach my children to walk I will have to explain the marks.

It was a waste of a clean arm that will always look this way because of my determination and deep digging. More than anything I wish I could have explained this to one of my friends who took to leaving countless burns on her hand, but it's silly to think I could have made a difference.

We mark our selves to feel, to stop feeling, to clear our heads, and to cry for help, and after a break from it, these are the nastiest things to see. But they are a decision we can only make ourselves, and there's only one true story behind them, a story that will plead to be told over and over again. Think.